Monday, 17 November 2014

Making Progress

Haven't wrote a blog for a while but been meaning to get a few things off my chest and well for those that are remotely interested in reading feel free to do so but keep in mind that this is not an happy blog.

For those that know the real me are also aware that I'm not always the happy bouncy individual I appear to be, I'm not saying this isn't me because I do love to smile but if I'm really honest I'm not even sure how to properly express my emotions sometimes and I can get easily misunderstood too.  

I find that this not being able to emotionally express myself can be the main cause of my frustration more than anything and is why I tend to bottle so much away and not deal with the main issues at hand which does make me feel the coward. However I have found other ways of dealing with this through my writing which has majorly helped me over the years to come out of my shell and be heard by others and also through physical activity. Sometimes I wish had more of a backbone and that I could show how much I'm really hurting inside.

The previous 3 years my life have been up, down and very chaotic and random but I have stayed as strong as I could ever be. Not for the sake of my self which I should be doing but more for everyone else. However I know this caring for others and seeking love and approval has really taken its toll on my mental and physical health. I feel that I am blessed though to have a great family network and great mates too who encouraged and recognized the dire signs before things could getting any worst. I admit that I was stubborn a few years back and I really wished I had listened to some of my mates who were looking out for me they know who they are.  Even some of my family who warned me about the dangers and if I had listened to them then some of the real shit that did happen over the years would never have occurred as I would have been more in control but personally I never live with any regret as I feel that it would only hold me back further but I do feel that some of these issues need to be addressed and conquered individually before any real progress can be made. 

In response to my erratic mood swings and fits that I was getting I had wrote this poem which pretty much captures how I was feeling at that point in time.

   Life is up and down,  
the maze of trick questions
wearing  that confusion,
the frown of deceit.
The part of yourself can
never explain.
The monster eating at you
every moment, makes
you shake and quiver
feeling more on edge,
then the doubt
when it gets even,
turns you in and out
grabs you further down
into the ground. 

Brain works at hyper speed
with mutterings of irregular words,
hallucinations, colors, dreams
that magnify and burst
into focus.

The real world around you
is  the roller coaster but in reverse.
Hyper to the point you can’t sit in one place.
Words and thoughts spin
fast coming at you. 
You can’t control them.
Then all of a sudden
something hits you hard,
everything in reality
had just held you back.
Time seizes.
Everything blacks out around you
with nothing to hold you in.

I only realized that I really needed the help though after having a frenzy of minor breakdowns which involved binge drinking, spending lots of money followed by fits, twitches and even other unexplained behaviors were occurring which had included my mood rapidly shifting five times in a space of a day which I couldn't even explain myself.  Then a final major breakdown hit me the hardest after 4 days on my binge and my family having to find and pick me up from town in the worst state I been for years looking frail and edgy siting on a park bench with a bottle of cider in my hands that moment had made me realized that I could not continue this way. Even picturing that image had terrified my grandparents and even my own self  a few days later especially because it was how my dream had been a week before. 

But over the coming weeks things have been slowly improving since the major breakdown I have finally seen a psychiatrist at the start of November who has a diagnosed me with a condition called psycesis  (a milder form of bipolar) and I have been given some medication. I have actually even given up on alcohol and been totally sober for a week a half which is some progress I never thought I'll ever make but it has been tough couple of weeks but I  have a few things to focus my attention on and am enrolled on a maths course really hoping to pass this too as it'll help me to get a job.