Sunday, 28 December 2014

Finger the beat

I remember my guitar tutor. He was a skinny with firm steady arms and legs, stern but at the same time playful.  In his early thirties, dark brooding eyes wearing a dark grin . He was smoking cigarettes while he handed me his guitar, showing me how to tune and strum the guitar. 

I remember him distinctively saying... 

"Guitar playing is more love making wouldn't you know?"

I  laughed and blankly said 
"but how so?" 

" Well... (grinning) 
Each string needs to be carefully plucked and tuned up precisely. It contains a wide variety of different  sensations. If you mishandle her the final note will sound awful. 

He was showing me how to re-tune and play a few chords. 

Okay play a C be gentle darling 

While I play the C chord I could feel him rub my chest and shoulders.  

"Don't worry keep practicing darling you can trust me, I was just loosening you up we can't have you feeling tense up" 
"Now, show me D"

I begin to play the chord D.  He grasps firmly on my other hand : I can feel a surge of heat and sweat firing up through his fingers. He begins to tune up his fingers around my chest caressing and circling my boobs. All warmed up he finishes up with his tongue swirling and stretching around the tops of my nipples. 

"Okay ... final note play me a G"

I play the final note: the sensation drives him wild crouching me to the floor and begins to stretch his hands below my skirt I could feel his sweating hot fingers strumming up my vulva in the same rhythmic motions of his guitar. 

"See what I said? would you now agree music is the same as love making" 
"I nodded

A bit shaken and uncertain how to respond. He leans towards my ear lobes and begins to lick them while he whispers my name into my ear and repeating that same line: He carries on making his music stroking and strumming me up and down in which I could feel a tense feeling of release: then silence again.  
That was the final note. 

Monday, 17 November 2014

Making Progress

Haven't wrote a blog for a while but been meaning to get a few things off my chest and well for those that are remotely interested in reading feel free to do so but keep in mind that this is not an happy blog.

For those that know the real me are also aware that I'm not always the happy bouncy individual I appear to be, I'm not saying this isn't me because I do love to smile but if I'm really honest I'm not even sure how to properly express my emotions sometimes and I can get easily misunderstood too.  

I find that this not being able to emotionally express myself can be the main cause of my frustration more than anything and is why I tend to bottle so much away and not deal with the main issues at hand which does make me feel the coward. However I have found other ways of dealing with this through my writing which has majorly helped me over the years to come out of my shell and be heard by others and also through physical activity. Sometimes I wish had more of a backbone and that I could show how much I'm really hurting inside.

The previous 3 years my life have been up, down and very chaotic and random but I have stayed as strong as I could ever be. Not for the sake of my self which I should be doing but more for everyone else. However I know this caring for others and seeking love and approval has really taken its toll on my mental and physical health. I feel that I am blessed though to have a great family network and great mates too who encouraged and recognized the dire signs before things could getting any worst. I admit that I was stubborn a few years back and I really wished I had listened to some of my mates who were looking out for me they know who they are.  Even some of my family who warned me about the dangers and if I had listened to them then some of the real shit that did happen over the years would never have occurred as I would have been more in control but personally I never live with any regret as I feel that it would only hold me back further but I do feel that some of these issues need to be addressed and conquered individually before any real progress can be made. 

In response to my erratic mood swings and fits that I was getting I had wrote this poem which pretty much captures how I was feeling at that point in time.

   Life is up and down,  
the maze of trick questions
wearing  that confusion,
the frown of deceit.
The part of yourself can
never explain.
The monster eating at you
every moment, makes
you shake and quiver
feeling more on edge,
then the doubt
when it gets even,
turns you in and out
grabs you further down
into the ground. 

Brain works at hyper speed
with mutterings of irregular words,
hallucinations, colors, dreams
that magnify and burst
into focus.

The real world around you
is  the roller coaster but in reverse.
Hyper to the point you can’t sit in one place.
Words and thoughts spin
fast coming at you. 
You can’t control them.
Then all of a sudden
something hits you hard,
everything in reality
had just held you back.
Time seizes.
Everything blacks out around you
with nothing to hold you in.

I only realized that I really needed the help though after having a frenzy of minor breakdowns which involved binge drinking, spending lots of money followed by fits, twitches and even other unexplained behaviors were occurring which had included my mood rapidly shifting five times in a space of a day which I couldn't even explain myself.  Then a final major breakdown hit me the hardest after 4 days on my binge and my family having to find and pick me up from town in the worst state I been for years looking frail and edgy siting on a park bench with a bottle of cider in my hands that moment had made me realized that I could not continue this way. Even picturing that image had terrified my grandparents and even my own self  a few days later especially because it was how my dream had been a week before. 

But over the coming weeks things have been slowly improving since the major breakdown I have finally seen a psychiatrist at the start of November who has a diagnosed me with a condition called psycesis  (a milder form of bipolar) and I have been given some medication. I have actually even given up on alcohol and been totally sober for a week a half which is some progress I never thought I'll ever make but it has been tough couple of weeks but I  have a few things to focus my attention on and am enrolled on a maths course really hoping to pass this too as it'll help me to get a job. 

Sunday, 17 August 2014


Women whirl
in flutters of white,
Men stomp about
in bleak suits
Music stops.

Led into a hall way,
fester with doors.

The doors
thrust open.

They enter church

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

The Illness of society

Haven't written anything for a while but decided that there is something worth while to rant about now in my opinion something is seriously up I think I might be losing it. Well I always find it healthier to write about it but too be honest its been really hard even writing up my feelings let alone talking about them to anyone ...

I'm personally really struggling with my temper with everyone and everything, the job center well especially at the moment. I feel I have little to strive for but really want to keep on going in the right direction and get a reasonable job. My efforts are slowly paying off as I'm getting interviews and applying for 5 jobs a day but its ridiculous how much competition there is out there and the job center are no help their just demeaning everyone further with  the new system of punishments and constant sanctions. We need encouragement, unity and respect not intimidation.

In the past year I have been constantly humiliated does my qualifications and intellect even mean much anymore? Its sickening when they put everyone on the most senseless work fair placements which are just another technical word for slave labor. However okay not all courses have been bad and some of the work I have done has been beneficial. I have really enjoyed my experiences at Citizen Advice Bureau as I love helping people and want to continue doing it for the community.

My temper at this real inequality is really getting to me on a personal level as I'm sure it does with everyone. My parents have advised me to see councilors on many occasions but I have always been either too ashamed or too stubborn to seek any real medical help. After being sanctioned for 4 weeks with little money my depression is well starting to kick in again, I have struggled with insomnia, anxiety attacks, paranoia and been heavy drinking too from which most of my family have already confronted me about. I'm even having the heavy fits which I feel I need to see the doctors about personally as they make me feel even more withdrawn and frustrated.

Could this just be the illness of society nothing even feels right. I feel constantly over worked  by the job center applying for the same jobs day in day getting nowhere and worst thing is I even sometimes struggle nowadays to do the one thing I love sometimes which is write poems, I feel deep down my idealistic passion and feelings are not totally burnt out yet but being drained by the endless existence of boredom and repetition Alright sure not everybody is expected to agree but most people can vouch this system is just unfair and damaging to the community.