Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Part 3. Imprisonment Age 18 -20
The police scum always ruin everything! To them you’re an insignificant speck on their shoe; they really would want nothing to do with you and just want to air brush you away. I am fully aware and I’m not remorseful for my crime in anyway. I know I should be punished. But the pig headed bastards at the very top deserved what they got; we do so much and yet we get... nothing in return!There is nothing worst when a police man smirks at you. This one tied my hands and laughed at my face. This isn’t a fucking game! He tied the rope nozzle hard around my wrist.
“You are such a naughty little lady; you need to be taught some manners”
I was horrified and belittled to hear him speak in this way; I could feel him tying the rope even harder as his last words slowly slipped out! I could feel his two coarse hands nudge and pinch my arms and at my waist. It was that standard procedure you get in airports, to make sure you didn’t carry any weapons or drugs.
“You won’t escape!”
The police man held my hand tight, he would not let go.
“Right miss, come with me!”
The policeman led me into a passageway full of cells; doors were painted white, the walls were white, everything was fucking white! I could feel myself not feel too well again, the sea sickness, the crash, walls moving inwards, and voices? I just wanted it all to end. Everything from that dream is coming alive in this place and I could taste and hear the fear, it’s taking over. I have to escape but everything looked the same, doors were the cold empty white, I am the mouse in this nightmare of a labyrinth, he is the cat that crouches around every corner. He led me into the cell but I pushed him down. He fell to the floor. I pinned him down with the full force of my arms. Quickly took out and grasped his gun firmly; I pointed it towards his head.
“If you shoot, you know you die”
I laughed at his feeble words at long last I was in control; I didn’t care about the law for those last few minutes when you know you are going to die anyway are the best you ever get because you stop caring about everything else. I tightened my grip on the gun; I could see flash of white specks in his eyes.
“Well, I am already dead; law is the executioner”
I lit up another cigarette, dropped the remains of fiery dust on to his shoe. The prison’s wall was turning white to grey; again sirens and the alarm bells had alerted me. Policemen from other cells scurried towards my cell, their guns fully loaded.
“Well gentleman, it was so good to see you all again.
Too bad the confrontation will be short this time,
but it is time so goodbye... bastards!”
In those last words I threw the cigarette to the floor, the room was no longer empty white but surrounded by a furry of red and purple.
Bored, Alone, Hungry, Bored, Alone, Hungry. It was that same record again! I was all out of ideas and couldn’t even stand the thought of living anymore.
The room damn it was always the same. It was just… so incomplete, so quiet, and so empty. I just didn’t know what to do; it was the summer, this was a white washed scrapbook of uncompleted projects. I was not a child anymore. I just turned 18 a week ago and I decided to scavenge around for some money. I no longer want toys but cigarettes and alcohol; I need to drown those sorrows before they rise up against me.
I brought the items and slowly crept up into my room, the room lock clicked! I drank those two full bottles of wine; the glass made that delightful clanking noise. I played another CD in my CD player the track Almost Too Easy and it was on the loop. I took out the cigarette from the packet, I could hear the small snap of wood from the lighter fuel as it slowly lit up the cigarette. I breathed in the black smoke; some of it was rising up above my head. I had never really smoked before so I could feel the... drowning feeling again; but at the same time I didn’t really care! I could feel myself slowly not caring about anyone else too anymore. Why should I? I was convinced I would die, die alone in this room.
I was half conscious, half dead but the outside world aroused my senses. It would be too easy just to die wouldn’t it though?. It would be too easy to be forgotten in Time.To be booed on that stage. Words don’t feel good anymore, they are bitter. I wanted to mould them, use them on everyone. No one would be safe. My audience will be captivated and blown away tonight!
I could hear the annoying crazy frog ringtone; someone had just text me. I found my mobile phone.
“Clover, meet us at the toy shop near Market Street!”
I could feel that... excitement but confusion too. I sped through the streets on my motorcycle, my friends were already inside, they were laughing and taunting the owner. We were back to being those bad children again.
“What are you ruffians doing in my shop, get out! Shoo!”
My friend took out his gun; this was definitely not one of the toys and he was pointing it at the shop owners head.
“I wouldn’t say that if I were you dear sir, now give me that dolly, my sister wants it!”
I was watching them outside the shop with a grin on my face. I enjoyed watching their games through that glass screen. What a show? I also saw a beautiful pink and blue doll through the mirrored glass. I wanted her! But I could also see my own distorted face in the mirror and I hated it even more. I wanted to smash it to pieces! I took out a metal baton and thumped it at the window...I could hear the delightful clash of broken up glass. All eyes were on me, I could hear the laughter, tears and applause!
I really wanted though to hear silence again. I wanted the voices to just go away. Me and my friends had set up the fire and lights around the shop this shall be the huge explosion that will mark the end. We were about to cut the fuse, when we could hear sirens from the local police car pull up... louder and closer towards the shop. The noises were on repeat, they were ... a distress signal. The policeman entered the shop. I could feel myself feeling… numb and empty again. This will be finished. I grabbed my mate’s gun; this was followed by a final gunshot and then an ominous mute of silence. The shop owner was dead, I could see nothing but blood, I could only feel... a pair of hands nudge and chain up my arms up to the wall. I shall never be free; but there was just no way to stop the show.
I cannot stand it; everything is too boring, too quiet! I need noise, distractions, anything! I hate to admit it but I just dislike ...being in that room on my own. I really miss my baby brother too. I remember his snores and even his moans but they took that away! I even miss my annoying toy ringtone because at least when I hear those noises I felt ... something.I was never satisfied with the quiet life. It all started at the ripe age of 6. I would quickly grow bored of following that same old routine. To me... it was that same old jilted record! I wanted adventure; I wanted to do something... new. Mum and I had made a decision, we will change my room. I helped her paint those plain white walls. When I used that brush... the green paint would always drip in clumps on the floor. Mum was a natural she was so good at painting, her green swirls were perfect, wish I could be as perfect as her! We had both finished painting the master piece on my wall it was marked with four green spirals. I could feel the power of the spirals; they would sooth me into a pleasurable sleep. Every bed time I pictured those spirals as the waves of a great sea and my bed was rowing through them but every morning I was disappointed to find that this wasn’t real. Mum would always encourage my fantasy though and leave the window open at night to let the wind howl through my room’s brittle walls.
The smell of the paint though had made me vomit. I always wanted the change but could feel myself falling... under a great, green sea. The walls closed in... I could hear unknown voices beyond those horizons. I was half asleep and got into my bed, the nuts and bolts below had broke though and everything changed! I could feel the bed rocking back and forth... the bed then fell and I followed... it landed with a huge crash on to the floor. I unaware what had happened but mum knew exactly. She came up to fix the bed and wash and kiss my bruises but that... fear... drowning in that... great sea was worst! The peace in those calm waves disturbed.
II Age 8-15
The next day I thought happiness had hit again... when my parents brought my first CD player. I could feel the excitement, the shiny exterior, the plastic feel on the hands. I placed the CD in the player, random music and voices in the background were playing. I could feel some confusion too because I could only hear voices and sounds, where are the people? Every day I would buy a new CD and replace it with a another one, however on my 15th birthday I was tiresome of this hobby. I knew all the words to every song; I could feel again that I was ... turning into the jilted record.
One day I decided to play the tracks really loud, I tweaked around with the dials. Metallica’s Fuel disturbed the calm, crisp emptiness of the paper thin walls in my bedroom. The words were pumping me up.
‘Give me fuel, give me fire,’
The words were so addictive, the words were pleasure. I was feeling happy and very high,
but then all music... stopped. I couldn’t move, I was out of breath. I was craving something right now but what could it be? Everything was just too quiet! Something had to be done and done tonight.
I just could not stand the quiet anymore. I would do just about anything for that loud and iconic life that rock stars plays every day. The explosions, the fire, the makeup, the costumes and the sound. Nothing could be more perfect; I tried really hard to follow those heavy metal footsteps but would always... lag miles behind.
I got myself a guitar smashed that poor thing to pieces. Hendrix would be proud but my parents all they could do was frown. They didn’t approve of destruction or violence but that just made me want do it even more. They punished me for destroying my guitar they took away my video games, took away my horror films but I would always have my way and get them back when they out of the house. Watching them gave me a buzz that night when I knew that they were forbidden! Everything seemed new and exciting again.
The following week I would next purchase and thwack drums with my metal fists but playing them every day would always leave my hands tired. Mum and I would have heated rows and the neighbors and I would not see eye to eye because they just hated me that way. However I got bored again, even Rock and Roll didn’t satisfy my cravings and I would spend my teen years pondering on what to do next? I was the typical drop out in school. I just hated authority so much... I would be a truant! Kiss the teacher... I got that man fired, but sadly I was... expelled too so the career path is out of the picture. I have to do something though and soon. I need to do something new... something never really been done before.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
I see my reflection,
she grasps my hands,
the water sucks deeper
drags me down.
The world is a
with false, fiery
House curtains camouflage
The chimneys light
The shadows leeched
upon my body.
I can hear them.
Their mouth foams
I feel them slice
They fight for affection
sucking my heart
I gaze into
I want to get out
my sword, chop their
tongues, to feel the