Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Almost Too Easy Part 1. I Need Fuel Age 6-13

I cannot stand it; everything is too boring, too quiet! I need noise, distractions, anything! I hate to admit it but I just dislike ...being in that room on my own. I really miss my baby brother too. I remember his snores and even his moans but they took that away!  I even miss my annoying toy ringtone because at least when I hear those noises I felt ... something.I was never satisfied with the quiet life. It all started at the ripe age of 6. I would quickly grow bored of following that same old routine. To me... it was that same old jilted record! I wanted adventure; I wanted to do something... new. Mum and I had made a decision, we will change my room. I helped her paint those plain white walls.  When I used that brush... the green paint would always drip in clumps on the floor. Mum was a natural she was so good at painting, her green swirls were perfect, wish I could be as perfect as her! We had both finished painting the master piece on my wall it was marked with four green spirals. I could feel the power of the spirals; they would sooth me into a pleasurable sleep. Every bed time I pictured those spirals as the waves of a great sea and my bed was rowing through them but every morning I was disappointed to find that this wasn’t real. Mum would always encourage my fantasy though and leave the window open at night to let the wind howl through my room’s brittle walls.

The smell of the paint though had made me vomit. I always wanted the change but could feel myself falling... under a great, green sea. The walls closed in... I could hear unknown voices beyond those horizons. I was half asleep and got into my bed, the nuts and bolts below had broke though  and everything changed! I could feel the bed rocking back and forth... the bed then fell and I followed... it landed with a huge crash on to the floor. I unaware what had happened but mum knew exactly. She came up to fix the bed and wash and kiss my bruises but that... fear... drowning in that... great sea was worst! The peace in those calm waves  disturbed.

II Age 8-15
The next day I thought happiness had hit again... when my parents brought my first CD player. I could feel the excitement, the shiny exterior, the plastic feel on the hands. I placed the CD in the player, random music and voices in the background were playing. I could feel some confusion too because I could only hear voices and sounds, where are the people? Every day I would buy a new CD and replace it with a another one, however on my 15th birthday I was tiresome of this hobby. I knew all the words to every song; I could feel again that I was ... turning into the jilted record.

 One day I decided to play the tracks really loud, I tweaked around with the dials. Metallica’s Fuel disturbed the calm, crisp emptiness of the paper thin walls in my bedroom. The words were pumping me up.
‘Give me fuel, give me fire,’
The words were so addictive, the words were pleasure. I was feeling happy and very high,
but then all music... stopped. I couldn’t move, I was out of breath. I was craving something right now but what could it be? Everything was just too quiet! Something had to be done and done tonight.

I just could not stand the quiet anymore. I would do just about anything for that loud and iconic life that rock stars plays every day. The explosions, the fire, the makeup, the costumes and the sound.  Nothing could be more perfect; I tried really hard to follow those heavy metal footsteps but would always... lag miles behind.

 I got myself a guitar smashed that poor thing to pieces. Hendrix would be proud but my parents all they could do was frown. They didn’t approve of destruction or violence but that just made me want do it even more. They punished me for destroying my guitar they took away my video games, took away my horror films but I would always have my way and get them back when they out of the house. Watching them gave me a buzz that night when I knew that they were forbidden! Everything seemed new and exciting again.

The following week I would next purchase and thwack drums with my metal fists but playing them every day would always leave my hands tired. Mum and I would have heated rows and the neighbors and I would not see eye to eye because they just hated me that way. However I got bored again, even Rock and Roll didn’t satisfy my cravings and I would spend my teen years pondering on what to do next? I was the typical drop out in school. I just hated authority so much... I would be a truant! Kiss the teacher... I got that man fired, but sadly I was... expelled too so the career path is out of the picture. I have to do something though and soon. I need to do something new... something never really been done before.  

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